Wednesday, 26 October 2016

The Accountant review

I decided to check out the new Ben Affleck feature - The Accountant. Hit the jump to find out how it went down, and whether this would be a jubilant success; or another film failure... Btw there's spoilers.



Today we're gonna switch it up folks. That's right, just for your amusement, I'm gonna eschew my usual format to present to you the accurate truth of The Accountant. Unfortunately for y'all who don't want spoilers - this ain't gonna be your type of article. Let me just say initially, however, that this film is not worth your time - so you may as well save yourself a tenner and read this instead. On we go.

Fresh of the bat from colossal catastrophe 'Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (and End of DC)', Ben Affleck has put his mind to yet another phenomenally stupid, nonsensical, ludicrous, and displeasing popcorn thriller that it only takes a plot synopsis to trash.

I'm gonna need your participation on this one, OK? So please play the below sound file whilst reading the review - and read it out loud/in your head in a really deep, slow, trailer guy voice.



*EPIC VOICE NARRATION - PLS READ THE FOLLOWING (INCLUDING PICTURE CAPTIONS) IN TRAILER VOICE AFTER PRESSING PLAY ON THE ABOVE VIDEO. BUT NOT BEFORE BLOWING ON YOUR HANDS LIKE IT'S AN AUTISTIC TICK THEN FORGETTING TO DO IT FOR THE REST OF THE DESCRIPTION BECAUSE YOU'RE A LAZY FUCKING SCREENWRITER.* 


Painty painty smart smart I is autistic. Numbers.
"Ben Affleck plays a man with a simple backstory.... First, as a child, he was diagnosed with autism and taken to a lodge run by a man who sounds suspiciously like Charles Xavier. There, nothing of significance happened.... except he met a mentally ill girl who he gives a computer later because he is rich... Because he can count and all that. He cannot understand emotions and shows no empathy because of his autism - also having regular ticks that mysteriously stop after the first 20 minutes. Then, his mother left him alone with just his brother and his dad; who took him to some far flung corner of the land to learn karate from the karate kid in a stereotypical temple whilst speaking in some Asian language to the karate kid... who's now grown up. Then, he was taken to France to fight some 12 year olds under a bridge. Then, for reasons not explained by this movie, he finds himself in prison where he meets a gangster accountant guy. This guy gets killed so Affleck single-handedly escapes from prison where he promptly becomes an accountant at 'ZZZ Accounting'

But wait. There's More.



Scintillating performances as Ben Affleck acts out the
accounting process of sitting at a desk and being
passive-aggressive.
Because he has autism, he's a great accountant (obviously, duh...). He also does accounting for various cartels and criminals - making a shit ton of money and then giving it all away to charity. Nevertheless, he still feels the need to launder this money through 5 other businesses including an actual frigging laundry before he gives it away - for no apparent reason. Eventually, he goes and kills the men who killed his prison friend guy and meets this other guy who's a police officer who says he loves his kids. So Affleck spares him and then tips him off about criminal events over the next 10 years. This movie is giving me brain damage. 


But wait. There's More.


At some point in time, he goes back to his hometown for his mothers funeral; where he gets mad and gets his dad killed. Nobody really knows why or how, but it happens. So he runs away again back to his house and being an accountant. He also has a shed with a camper van in it with a shit ton of guns and Jackson Pollock paintings. This is because he is autistic. Or something. One day, he is called to investigate a company instead of a cartel - and that is where our story begins. 


Tell me, Mr Affleck, would you not recognize your
brother if you were shooting at him from across the
street?
With the charisma of a piece of toast, Affleck solves the accounting problem in a mere evening - drawing shit all over the walls with his pretentious multicolored cancer-causing marker pens (Only by sniffing a whole one will you be able to understand this movie). But when the boss finds out that he actually did his fucking job correctly, and found the error, the race is on to kill everyone....
Pretty soon, Affleck realizes his sexy colleague is in danger too - because she also did her job - and this instantly cures his autism, because he falls in love with her. And love cures autism.



Or something.

Meanwhile, in this gripping storyline of carnage and acid tripping - equatable to George W. Bush's time in office - the policeman from the flashback involving the tip-offs is blackmailing someone that works for him - because she went to prison when she was 18 for stuffing 4 kilos of cocaine up a guys nose. 

Of course.

And he's blackmailing her by... by.... forcing her to find Ben Affleck. But, once they find him, he reveals that he's working with him, and that they didn't need to find him. Then promotes her to his job. It is never explained why they go looking for the man they don't want to find... or why this takes up half of the runtime of the movie. 

Meanwhile again, Ben Affleck has flashbacks by rubbing a rolling pin up and down his leg whilst listening to thrash metal and having strobe lighting flash at him. This actually happens in the movie.It probably explains why he has the charisma of a wooden log that's been rained on all month. Is that worse than a piece of toast? Somewhat unusually, this whole rolling pin thing is not explained. With his autism cured by the random woman, he does what he does best: Accounting.


"I wish I was Matt Damon" - Ben Affleck.
No, not that, the other thing he does best: killing.

Not that you'll see any of it because the shaky cam is so. fucking. bad. And not that you'll want to see it anyway because the shots are bland and generic, and the color palette is as grey as Ben Affleck's career prospects after this movie gets general release.

It all boils down to a tense finale which lacks any tension, in a mansion - which is not cliched by anyone's standards obviously.

Wait, why are all these mercenaries killing everyone again? Oh yeah, that's right, because the boss committed a relatively small fraud to benefit his business. Was it even fraud? It's debatable. And now everyone needs to die because they know about it. A bit like this film really.

But, in a post-ironic way, O'Connor must have realised his movie was a pile of shit, so he decided to turn it into a comedy last minute. Hooray. All of a sudden, the death and bad dialogue is conveniently intentionally funny, rather than unintentionally funny in a tragic sort of way.


Ben Affleck trying to understand the script.
Oh, and did I mention the best bit?

M Night Shamalamadoodah makes a guest appearance; as the main mercenary bad guy person turns out to be.... Ben Affleck's lost brother! 

No, not Casey Affleck. His brother in the movie, dumbass. The film is so bad, that this is actually predictable in the first 5 minutes.

Then it just kinda.... ends...."

*STOP MUSIC*

So, yeah, The Accountant was shit.

Does it have any redeeming features?

Yes. Walking home and talking about the shitness was cathartic.
The Accountant gets 2 stars...
P.S. If you do a good trailer voice, pls send me a recording of that transcript :P.

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