Seriously. What the fuck.
The books fucking suck.
The story fucking sucks.
The movie fucking sucked.
But now there's a second one....
What do you want me to tell you people? Huh? You want me to tell you that a whole universal chain of fucking sucking will be displaced by the adaptation of the second novel in a fucking sucking trilogy of books about fucking and sucking?
No. I will not be telling you that today. As many of you will have assumed, 'Fifty Shades Darker' fucking sucks.
It's also hilarious.
|John Wick, is that you?|
Walking into her art friend's show (yeah, who the fuck actually has an art friend?), Anastasia is surprised to find that the walls of the studio are filled with nothing but pictures of her face (of course). And, by coincidence, just after she arrives someone buys them all! Who could that be, I wonder...
Look, OK, it's no secret that E.L. James writes with the skill of a mentally challenged amoeba left out in the sun for three days, but this is beyond awful - and it's only 5 minutes in!
|I never knew sexual assault could be so funny...|
But you didn't come for the story, did you? No. You came for the 2 hours of constant fucking. I'm sad to say, unfortunately, that even this doesn't hold up as, just like the first movie, 'Fifty Shades Darker' is vanilla as fuck... Be prepared to watch 2 hours of constant sex without a single nude shot of a penis or a vagina. Or be prepared to watch a BDSM-themed film whose final kinky twist involves the shocking device of massage oil (seriously, could you not think of something more kinky than FUCKING OIL?)... Fingering in lifts? Yawn. Ben-Wu balls? Yawn. Countless shots of devious implements in glass cabinets which never get removed from glass cabinets? Yawn. It's a fucking wonder that this crap managed to receive an 18 rating without anything explicit whatsoever. Shortly after, I watched Paul Verhoeven's 'Elle' which made this look like goddamn 'Toy Story'. It's casually provocative content for the offend-able blockbuster crowd. It may not be completely vanilla, but it's certainly not strawberry - at most it's a raspberry ripple made by a stingy old ice-cream man who refuses to add enough coulis (and whom probably fantasizes about nipple clamps).
|Makes a masked ball look like a children's party...|
And the music, bleugh, don't even get me started there. Oh, I don't mean the actual tracks - they're just bland, shitty, chart hits from the last year. No, I mean the sound design. Because the editors of 'Fifty Shades Darker' have evidently envisioned the films sex scenes as big musical numbers. In all of them, Christian thrusts directly to the beat of the chosen background tune; and in one particularly cringey sequence, the soundtrack builds up and pauses for a second whilst Christian prepares to thrust, resuming at full volume when Anastasia screams in pleasure? Pain? Who knows... Moans and gasps are added in post to heighten the experience to something akin to a shitty 80s porno; and song choice is deliberately unsubtle - when the two leads break up, 'I don't wanna live forever (without you)' plays. And, as some commentators have indeed noticed, the sountrack lacks any of the sexy edge that the first film boasted (sultry offerings from Abel Tesfaye and the likes at least gave atmosphere). This time around, we have Kygo, Taylor Swift, and any number of talentless, low-brow, pieces of shit bellowing sexless pop out of the Dolby Atmos... It's as if the soundtrack is trying to emulate the less-dark tone of this follow-up: the destructive and harmful nature of the relationship in 'Fifty Shades of Grey' is replaced with a standard 'oh, he's changed!' plot which is worryingly close to the Joker/Harley Quinn relationship - except, this time, it's being endorsed!
|A very, erm, nuanced discussion of mental health issues...|
|There's waaaay too much shower sex in this movie...|
At the end of the day, this movie really fucking sucked - there's no two ways about it. Sure, you can sit through over 2 hours of mindless, boring, vanilla sex; dubious side-plots; messily executed lofty themes; shit acting; cringey dialogue; and cringey messages - and maybe you'll laugh - but you'll be crying inside. Alternatively, you could take your date, and see the least arousing movie since the 'Chronicles of Riddick' poster Christian Grey keeps in his room. Part of me wants to say bring on the third to see how this ends; another part of me thinks that E.L. James should be stripped of all wealth and made to live alone, in a house made of recycled pages of her awful works, for the rest of time. And, yes, I clapped at the end. Nobody joined me.
|'Fifty Shades Darker' gets 1 star!|